THE CABIN IN THE WOODS dvd review: Library edition

Dark age and the final massacre....and that pretty much sums up this movie. Yup. I'm the last person to see this movie and everyone said it was great so it had been built up a little bit so when I put it on I thought to myself it's probably not THAT good. But, it's pretty good. It's funny and the story is great and spins the genre around AND it has ALOT of monsters! That's what won me over is all the monsters There is a acceptable level of bloodshed , wish there was a little more gore but that is a minor gripe. And I got this from the library! I liked the two guys in the control room and the dragon bat , the werewolf, AND the merman!! Loved the merman! 
    But alot of people don't like this movie , alot love it , but some hate it. I'd like to know what you think about it so please leave a comment! *arty

THE SNOWTOWN MURDERS dvd review

    Just watched the SNOWTOWN MURDERS and I gotta say I was pretty underwhelmed. If you are a freak like me then you are probably fascinated by true crime books and movies. Of course HELTER SKELTER, and the harrowing classic HENRY:Portrait Of A Serial Killer , even BUNDY, ED GEIN, and GACY are pretty good and I have not see THE GIRL NEXT DOOR but I hear that is pretty good and Jim Van Bebbers THE MANSON FAMILY is great. So I expected something dark, brutal, and disturbingly violent and I didn't get that. The movie looks good it has a grey, dark, dingey, desolate look and all the actors look sad, beaten, and broken and the actor who plays the main killer comes off as a real asshole jerk but THE SNOWTOWN MURDERS is not violent, bloody, and gory and that would have made it so much better!
    So I looked it up on the imdb to see what other people thought about it and to see if I just wasn't getting it but there are alot of different complaints about THE SNOWTOWN MURDERS. People complained about the heavy Australian accents and that they show stuff that really doesn't have anything to do with the main story and it seemed disjointed but my favorite comment was one poster who said " I'm glad I didn't pay for this movie to have a kid stare at me for two hours." Which is not too far off the mark! That's kind of what the movie feels like. Another poster mentioned it's good to know a bit about the murders before you watch it and another poster said you shouldn't have to study up for a movie.
    I might watch it again , I got it from the library so it was free but I was dozing off towards the end. SO yeah. And I got THE CABIN IN THE WOODS from the library too , so looking forward to that. *arty

SCALPED Book 9: Knuckle Up!

The Soundgarden song 'Spoonman' , has a line in it that goes "All my friends are indians , all my friends are brown and red." And I love all my red and brown brothers and sisters! And I love SCALPED! I hadn't read it in awhile but I got book 9 from the library and loved it like I love the previous 8! It's not zombies or vamps , or superheroes but I think it's one of the best comix comming out right now. 

    The first story in book 9 , Knuckle Up , really shoves it in your face how the settlers decimated the native American population. Did the scalphunters really use the skins of natives to make their saddles and reigns for their horses? We know they wiped 'em out we know that for sure. It covers a white father and son team who kill indians for money and how they helped kill off so many tribes , groups I've never even heard of.      Bloodlines and families utterly destroyed in the most vile fashions. I guess stuff like this still happens but 150 years ago no one cared. Anyway SCALPED s great! Action, adventure, mystery, intrigue and characters I care about like Dash Badhorse , and I even care about the badguys.

Dash Badhorse is a bad ass

The artwork of R.M. Guera is not only amazing but so perfect for SCALPED. When he doesn't do the art they usually get someone good but it's not the same without him and Jason Aaron is a good near great writer and just came up with a great idea for a comic and has continually delivered solid isssue after issue. And it seems like SCALPED is coming to a conclusion which would be fine and if SCALPED is never made into a movie or cable series that would be just fine. So many good books and alot of them from vertigo and you can get them at the library so no excuses! arty

CLAMFIGHT: Yes CLAMFIGHT!

    I signed on because mankind is sinking with sin. CLAMFIGHT need to expose themselves and I will help expose them! CLAMFIGHT has been around awhile now toiling down among the deadmen , crafting big fat , diabetes inducing , but oh so tasty globs of Metal goodness. I was fortunate enough to get their cd , Vol. 1 , and a kick ass t-shirt as well. For some reason I assumed they played thrash but they don't , not really , they do have some speed to them but their sound is just pure heaviness for the most part and they do it well and they got a immense sound on the cd I got. The drummer , Andy ,  does the yelling , death roars , and singin' while Joe and Sean duke it out on guitar with a guy named Louis on bass. CLAMFIGHT hail from Haddon Heights , NJ. These guys are great and have a totally fuckin' badass name that leaps out at you. What do you think of when you hear CLAMFIGHT? 

   Check 'em out on their facebook and reverbnation pages , sample their stuff , especially if you like heavy shit cos' somehow they do it a little differently than most. And send them cash and porn and heap gold and praise upon them and whatever beverages they enjoy and demon hearts. CLAMFIGHT is a good band and I think most Metal fans would appreciate them. More CLAMFIGHT to come. *ARTY

BELA LUGOSI'S DEAD.....

    " I am carnage! I am death incarnate!" Would love to hear Bela say those lines! Hell , I'd love to hear Bela say " Dude , where's my car?" I was listening to Gilbert Gottfried on youtube doing his Dracula voice  and his Dracula voice is really good and it reminded me how awesome and wonderful Bela Lugosi was! So I noticed on this 50 horror pack I have that I have SCARED TO DEATH. Which I watched and it sucks but the parts with Bela are great! He is a fucking joy to watch and what the fuck happened to Belas career? How did he end up in Ed Wood movies at the end of his career? Not to bag on Ed Wood , I like his movies but Bela should have been in huge movies and died a millionaire. He should have worked with Hitchcock , and Orson Wells , and come out in better films he was great!

    Instead of SCARED TO DEATH. Which was his only color movie. I saw Tim Burtons Ed Wood but does anyone know what happened to his career? Was it him turning down frankenstein , or the drug addiction? I guess all of that shit combined. Anyway , Lugosi was spectacular , there is no one like him in movies today , or the last 25 years for that matter , but he is truly amazing and fun to watch on screen!

     So I been practicing my Dracula voice , and I'm not too shabby I think. But anyone could do it. Try it yourself , it's fun! And check out Gilbert Gottfrieds Dracula voice on youtube , and if anyone has any thoughts on Bela or your favorite movies of his , please leave a comment , I'd like to know. #arty

BATTERY VERSUS BATTERY! Thrash Review

CANNOT KILL THE FAMILY!! BATTERY is a bad-fuckin'-ass Metallica song and a cool name for a band that says , " Make no bones about it , we are METAL!" And the Denmark based BATTERY play some blood blister poppin' kick ass Thrash and you can download 5 songs for free from their facebook page and then you can burn it onto a disc , make a tape of it and pop it into your cars tape deck and drive around , (no drinking of course) while some Metal slut is blowing you! I might just put it on my phone and hit on Asian chicks!    But there is another band with the name of BATTERY and I hear they are a Metallica tribute band , and that's cool , that's cool , but I bet the the raw and furious Thrash band from Denmark are alot cooler to have a beer with!

    Even though I am legally forbidden to drink alcohol until Febuary 2013 , I bet BATTERY are a bunch of cool dudes to hang with and talk to about gore flix , music , and porn bitches as well! Look at their logo , they gotta be cool! They got a good sound , and play some hard and fast Metal and deserve a look , hell , download those songs all ready! *arty
http://www.deadbangers.com/
http://www.batteryshop.bigcartel.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/BatteryDK

battery@live.dk

THE WALKING DEADSHOW

  I read a post on the WALKING DEAD imdb pg that said Maggie ( I call her Maggs) should wear Loris (Whorri , I call her Whorri) , should wear Loris skin to make Rick happy! Man , that's funny! 5 episodes in and this season is all ready better than the first 2 in my expert opinion. It's great cos' at least once a week I am sure to get some good gore. They've K.I.A'ed so many undead fux all ready and the latest episode delivered some great zombi killz! That was great when Michonne detroyed those zombi cuntz! She cut one in half from shoulder to hip , stomped ones head like a tomato , and decapped that bitch like a samurai/ninja/commando!! And rick with the axe! It was great! Other than that I love Maggs , don't love Andrea and I wish Michonne would get her own spinoff show and comic. She's translated

You sexy bitch!

so well from comic book page to screen and I am all ready ready to put her up there with other female bad asses like Sarah Connor and Ellen Ripley. I like how out of place she looks in Woodbury and doesn't trust anyone.    And thanx to Robert Kirkman , the fat bastard deserves a super porn visit/session from Jasmine Byrne and Asa Akira for putting out such great comics.Fat bastard! I deserve a visit from at least Jasmine by the way. That's it. *arty

you sexy big eyed bitch zombi!

HAUNT Trade #2:Comic Book Review

     An ex priest shacking up with and ass bangin' a hot ass blond ex hooker? Sounds like a new sitcom on FOX! Sign me up! Not really , but that is one of the cool things about the comic book HAUNT! Along with all the violence and gore and super cool design , look , and total badassery of the title character , HAUNT! Everyone loves THE WALKING DEAD , and I love it too , but in some ways HAUNT is better. For one , it is a super hero book , but it's different than your average super hero book in that HAUNT works with the government. And this book has a sense of humor where as THE WALKING DEAD has no humor. NONE!

     And HAUNT looks so cool , just as cool as VENOM & CARNAGE and I want my HAUNT t-shirt and poster and a toy and a video game and a movie that is just as gory as PUNISHER:WAR ZONE and RAMBO! And a HAUNT button.
This trade collects six issues , it's action packed and it was a great read and I can't wait till I get the next one and find out more about The APPARITION!      And I cannot fail to mention the talents of penciller Greg Capullo , inker Jonathan Glapion , and colorist Fco Plasencia. These guys worked hard on this book and made Robert Kirkmans story even better. And Todd McFarlane helped out too. Really can't praise HAUNT enough , I read it slow to stretch it out and I want more. Get book one next time you go get your WALKING DEAD fix. *arty

HELL dvd review

    By the way....that Asa Akira is a babe. She should have been in this movie. She's probably going to hell for all the anal she's done. Anyway I'm a sucker for a cool dvd cover and I thought this had a cool cover when I first saw it at wal mart , then I was at blockbuster looking for JUICE and I saw this so I rented it.
    The film makers had to have seen THE ROAD, and loved it and wanted to make their own type of post apocalyptic film and they did , and they got a great look for HELL , really good , and a good feel for their movie ; it really looks desolate and after the end of the world but the story is nowhere near as bleak , depressing , engrossing , and downright fucking scary as the ROAD. The ROAD was fucking scary with those fucking cannibals! Fuck!
    HELL is about 4 people trying to survive and find drinking water in a world where the sun has gotten hotter and destroying most of the life on earth. And there are cannibals but it is not bloody or gory and there is very little violence.
    I'm a HUGE fan of the post apocalyptic genre , and the zombie genre , and these new post apocalyptic movies have become more low key and minimalist than the ones from the 80's and The ROAD along with BOOK OF ELI were great , and while HELL was well made it did not offer any thing to the genre. But I had to seen it since

BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE Wants To Fuck Our Moms!

    Feel the fury nonbelievers! I'm sure you've heard the name of this band in your circle of Metal Madness. BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE. I've heard it to of course. I saw their cd 'Scream , Aim , Fire' at my local library and I didn't know anything about B.F.M.V, I thought they would be like My Chemical Romance , and that was just because they have the word MY in their name. Which is stupid but I figured I'd check it out , but I was hesitant because I didn't want to to put my Heavy Metal street cred in jeopardy by checking out a B.F.M.V cd from my local library. Again a stupid thing to think considering no one gives a shit! So I got it and I liked it and was surprised that B.F.M.V. is mostly thrash! Total Metal , it's fast , and they even have some Death vox!

    So , I don't fully understand why Metal Headz generally seem to dislike B.F.M.V. Maybe  it's jealousy since they've made it , they do world tours and they are probably making some good scratch but what I would be jealous of, hell , what I am jealous of is all the fine snatchgrass these guys are laying down on a nightly basis! These B.F.M.V. guys are bangin' broads all over the world! They'd gangbang your girlfriend and your sister if they could! That's the problem I have with BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE and their long hair and chiseled bodies and rock star status! You know they scored with that badass Metal chick with the long silky black hair , come hither smile and stare , in a black denim skirt. Or the cool cute little thrash chick that gets in the pit! They just kicked her sweet ass off the bus as I write these words! I can imagine what it would be like if you had a cute Metal chick as a girlfriend and she's kind of a slut and she's drunk and she gets on their tour bus! anyway , now I'm pissed off and don't know how to finish this blog! I still like their music since I got it all at the library for free. even got one of their shirts for a quarter at the Salvation Army. You should do the same! #arty

MONDO TRASHO! Movie review

 I've done a few nasty perverted things in my life. Not as many as I would have liked to do but as I am writing this I am watching MONDO TRASHO and I count that as being perverted! If you like all these wonderful , great , lovely movies like BLOOD FEAST , MUDHONEY , and shit like that and you are a HUGE John Waters addict/devotee then I think it is mandatory that you seek out MONDO TRASHO. I almost called my zine MONDO TRASHO! Maybe it will get a dvd release someday , maybe it won't but I'm viewing it here on youtube , and thanx to XTRONEX for uploading it! Much love and candy and oral sex n' drugz to you XTRONEX! There is no talking in MONDO TRASHO , there is audio , lots and lots of music from John Waters personal collection and I'm not surprised that John Waters and Martin Scorsese have the same musical tastes.    MONDO  TRASHO is not as good as PINK FLAMINGOS but it is not boring and as a fan of these movies I would love to have a special edition of MONDO TRASHO for my collection!    A FEW THOUGHTS WHILE I WAS WATCHING MONDO TRASHO:

    Waters or someone should remake MONDO TRASHO. John Waters should have made a zombie movie back in the 70's.
Can't hardly wait to see MULTIPLE MANIACS!
I need to brush my teeth.
57 minutes into this movie.

    Lastly I'm still stoked that I'm seeing this on youtube!! I thought I'd never see it and watching it makes me think of when I used to do drugs. I don't do illegal drugs any longer and in fact I am anti-drug these days. *arty 

ROY ORBISON: The Man With The Voice!

I just got a wild porcupine quill up my nose and was listening to some good ol' Roy Orbison on the way to my horrible job , MY GOD, this man has one of the best , greatest , most wonderful voices in the history of Rock N' roll!!!! I knew this all ready , I'm sure you knew this too , but I don't listen to him all that often and I don't know why?! Oh yeah , I'm a stupid asshole , that's why , but what is your excuse? Your not a stupid asshole , so you must have another reason. " I don't have any Orbison in my musical collection?" you say? Well , that aint much of an excuse either , just tread on down to your local library and request it from the librarian. They love it when you do that.
    And Roys so great! I been listening to him in the morning but he's even better at night! His voice just rips your heart out and leaves you sad , lonely , and blue , just like girls do to us guys , those heartless evil witches!! Roy knows , he knows , so he helps us through the pain..........by reminding you how sad you are!
    Roys dead now. But I think he truly does come through and live through his music , more than Elvis , John Lennon , or Billy Holiday and I like Billy! So I hope you listen to some Roy today , he's so great and will help clean out some of the crap out of your daily life. I'm gonna go listen to some of his songs right now! *arty 

GOREMATORY: Where Are They?

    As I sit here working on my 12 inch , I'm contemplating about what band to scrawl out some words about and I thought "GOREMATORY". Remember them? GOREMATORY from New Jersey who were supposed to play the 2011 Gore Growlers Ball but for reasons unknown to me didn't. Which SUCKED! cos' they were one of the new bands I was looking forward to seeing. If you don't know GOREMATORY consists of 3 Metal Headz , Vince Lepore , Jerry Bakerman , and Kevin Lopez and these maniaxe play some dirty rotten thrashy Death in the vein of IMPALED , GHOUL , and EXHUMED while definately putting their personalities into the mix. They did 3 demos , 'Sadistic Psychos' , 'Devoured By The Dead' , and a self titled demo and they made a video too , called 'Medical Execution'! Which is pretty good so check it out on youtube.        But I think they broke up , or changed their name which I don't understand because I'm an idiot but also because GOREMATORY is a badass name , you're like WOW that's cool they took two cool words and stuck them together to make one super cool word and you know by the name what kind of  music they play.

    What's even cooler and weirder is that you can download their album "ZOMBIE SLAUGHTER FEST" for free. Just google Torn Flesh Records Gorematory and it will come up for free download! I did it and I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. It's fuckin' badass! They really have a big thrash influence but they don't sound like anyone I can pinpoint right away. You can't listen to it and say " Oh there's a SLAYER riff , or DEMOLITION HAMMER , or SEPULTURA."

    So what happened to you guys? Is GOREMATORY dead? Did you re - name the band or reform , because you guys should be on RAZORBACK , BRUTAL BANDS , even METAL BLADE 'cos 'Zombie Slaughter Fest' is a fun , fast , unpretentious piece of glorious Heavy Metal Death that any fan without a jaded dry rusty pipe firmly lodged up their ass would enjoy. Thank You! *arty

BLOOD FEAST: Maybe kind of like a trilogy if I can review another BLOOD movie

    Had some grape soda and fritos n' bean dip while viewing BLOOD FEAST tonight. And I didn't realize that BLOOD FEAST is only one hour and seven minutes AND that it came out in 1963. I thought it came out in the late 60's , but anyway , WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU FIRST SAW BLOOD FEAST? I was at my aunts house when I saw it late one friday or saturday night. It was on THE MOVIE CHANNEL and might have been hosted by Joe Bob Briggs but I can't be certain of that. I had all ready been buying FANGO for awhile and FANGO was my bible back then!! Same for you? Yeah me to! So FANGO had built it up as a gore film with classic status! At least that's how I remember it.

    So it was exciting to see that first time and it did create some creepy atmosphere , especially with the music , the musical score is great! maybe someone can burn it for me and send it to me or email it to me! That would be really nice! And I can't remember if I saw BLOOD FEAST before EVIL DEAD 2 , DAY OF THE DEAD and RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD , because those 3 movies really influenced me in the type of horror movies I like. So I like to think that BLOOD FEAST was my intro to the gore film.

    Watching on youtube today I still enjoy it. And I want the dvd , I hear the commentary is really good and I think it is H.G. Lewis's masterpiece. I hear COLOR ME BLOOD RED is better but I still have not seen it.    And I would of loved to see a zombie movie by H.G. Lewis? A rip off of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD but looking like BLOOD FEAST! Perhaps made right after NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.  Anyone else agree or give a shit?

    So where were you the first time you saw BLOOD FEAST? Leave some comments and thanx for reading this the 3 of you and I will keep doing reviews , except for A SERBIAN FILM , anything by Eli Roth , and found footage movies. *ARTY

BLOOD SHACK DVD: It's a little place.....A review

    We got Dracula , The Marx Brothers , the 3 Stooges , and Ray Dennis Steckler gives us BLOOD SHACK aka THE CHOOPER. But we love RDS , we love and miss him. No Bull. I saw BLOOD SHACK today on youtube , have you seen BLOOD SHACK , I saw BLOOD SHACK , so , yeah. BLOOD SHACK is bad and it's boring but it was made in 1979 so it still has that charm that low budget horror from the 70's movies have that cannot be re-created today. Super low budget movies today will usually always look and sound the same and BLOOD SHACK at least has a look ,because RDS could shoot a movie , he knew how to film and new stuff and the first moments of BLOOD SHACK really creates some dreamy cold atmosphere which is torn the fuck apart once we jump into the scene of the blond chick who wants to spend the night in the BLOOD SHACK and confront the CHOOPER.        One of the 3 characters is a rail thin dude named Daniel who has some great scenes , and even the 2 kids are funny and BLOOD SHACK is 55 minutes , not even a hour and I saw it on youtube so I didn't have to buy it even though I kinda wanted to just because of the dvd cover , which has NOTHING to do with the movie!So now I don't have to buy it.

BLOOD SHACK DVD COVER

    BUT WAIT! I checked on the dvd on amazon and with shipping it's not even $5.00 AND it comes with 2 versions of the movie AND comedic commentary by JOE BOB BRIGGS! I think I gotta here that. Thanks to Ray Dennis Steckler for making these movies and it's a shame e didn't make one more movie in modern times for us. I would watch it. It would be better than Transformers 3 that's for sure. To you Ray!*arty

STAR CRASH Is Not Better than THE EMPIRE STIKES BACK , But It''s Still Pretty Good.

   HOLY FUCK! Is this wrong? But Holy Hell! Is this erotic! I finally saw STAR CRASH! I wasn't exactly in the STAR CRASH frame of mind but looking back on that night 2 long days ago I gotta say that watching STAR CRASH is almost as much fun as playing with a big ol' titty! And not one of mine either!

Assholehoff with the lightsaber!

Caroline Muno

    They toss every kind of special effect in here along with as many Star Wars , Star Trek , and Flash Gordon reference and rip offs they can. Caroline Munro is super hot and Joe Spinell is woefully and mathematically out of place in STAR CRASH.

Joe Spinell!

    And David Assholehoff! I forgot about him and Christopher Plummer adds some credibility to this along with the score which is great as you all know. And the swarthy guy with the hawknose and afro? We won't even get into him! Well , he has a fuckin' light saber!  And I saw this on netflix and what the hell is with netflix , why do they have to show the 1983 Captain USA tv version? Remember Captain USA? Anyway , STAR CRASH is alot of fun , better than LASER BLAST even and now I think I have to pick up the 2 disc special edition. And why didn't STAR CRASH get the MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 treatment , WHY? It is perfect fodder for MST3K! *arty

LASER BLAST! It's No Star Wars!

I'm reading TRANSMETROPOLITAN and in this comic the main character has a weapon called a bowel disruptor. A gun that gives you explosive diarhea! That would be alot cooler than a chintzy old star trek phaser or even a storm troopers blaster. I mean , yeah a lazer gun would be cool but a gun that would make someone shit like a ass canon would be totally righteous! 

this is the cover I rented

Eddie Deezen

    I actually got LASER BLAST years ago from Blockbuster and I thought it was okay , not too terrible but I saw it with the MST3K treatment and have watched it several times and it climbed onto my favorite top 10 list. Alot of people dom't like this movie but I don't think they've seen it with the MST3K commentary. Mike n' the bots really lay into and make fun of the fact that it's set in the 70's and make some weed jokes , some of which are directed at Mike ,  and the kid that finds the lazer who kind of looks like Mark Hamil , and LASER BLAST also has Cheryl 'Rainbeaux' Smith , who was in THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN , and Eddie Deezen! Who doesn't know and love Eddie deezen!?! Who is a bully in this movie!?! Plus this movie has some great stop motion and the guy who finds the lazer starts to turn into a creature the more he uses the lazer , and as I'm writing all this down , how can anyone into these kinds of movies not like LASER BLAST? The kid blows all kinds of shit up in firery explosions. And Charles Band had a hand in this , that's why it is under the FULL MOON banner , but don't let that deter you.

    So it's a good episode but it's a decent movie in it's own off beat weird way and on amazon they have the dvd for between $15.00 and $20.00 , which is too high a price to pay now that I think about it , but you can see the MST3K version on youtube. and once you see it with the MST3K treatment it might be hard to see it without it.